Life As Me

So, I stumbled across this website, www.chacha.com. Its a live search site where you ask guides for what you want, and they find them for you, so I decided I would play abit.

 

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: BernadetteM
BernadetteM: Welcome to ChaCha!
BernadetteM: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.
You: HEY THAR
You: i'm looking for a song by the killers
You: it goes like: do dodo dodooododo
You: it is like mr. brightside
You: but it isnt
BernadetteM: Please be patient while I find your results for you.
You: do you get payed for doing this?
BernadetteM: yes we do
You: lots and lots?
BernadetteM: do you know any other words in the song
You: no
You: did you die?
BernadetteM: this is a link to all their songs
BernadetteM: lyrics
You: k
You: ty
BernadetteM: you are welcome
You: i will give you a smily face
You: :)
BernadetteM: Thanks for using ChaCha! I hope you had a great search experience!
BernadetteM: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended

 

 

 

 

Hey, I finally found out that i could put mine and jamie's RRS videos on you tube, Check it out:

  

 

Okay, something i have been putting off for a long time, mainly besause i'm lasy.

 

    `-. .-'

      : :

    --:--:--

      : :

    .-' `-.

   .    .

    '.___.'

    .'   `.

   :        :

   :        :

    `. ___.'

     .--.

    /    _`.

   (_)  ( )

  '.     /

    `--'

      ...

      .':

    .'

 `.'

.'`.

Go to here if you think you can produce the most funniest timed and themed picture.

---

There's the history you know about. The stuff you learned in school which shaped the world you live in today. Then there's the history you don't know about. The things that didn't happen, and which by not happening, changed the world you don't live in today. These events can be monumental in their importance for having not happened, but even the most insignificant non-events can be just plain fascinating. Whatever the reason is for alternate history not being taught in school, I can assure you that in an alternate timeline it is being taught. It only makes sense that I pass along all that I learned to you to avoid even more people not knowing what didn't happen.

When the world's first organism with feet takes its hesitant steps out from the ocean and onto the waiting shore, it slips on a discarded banana peel left behind by a careless gorilla. Frightened by this harsh new world, it scampers back to the relative safety of the water.

Inspired by a large upswing in his approval rating after the famous incident in which he was shot but completed the speech he was giving, cunning president Teddy Roosevelt convinces members of the secret service to open fire upon him at the beginning of every speech from that day forward. He is subsequently shot 374 times over his sixteen year term in office, and dies with only one month left to serve due to a baffling case of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

While working on the theory of relativity, Albert Einstein stumbles upon concrete mathematical proof that it's okay to pork your cousin.

Due to a communication breakdown, the Great Wall of China is constructed 4,000 miles tall and 35 feet long instead of 35 feet tall and 4,000 miles long. Mongols completely overrun China within the year, but many perish in their treacherous trek up the wall.

Adolf Hitler's most embarrassing moment comes during the height of the Nazi party's power when he mistakenly orders a loaf of Jewish rye bread, much to the shock of everyone else in the book store.

Sensing an impending disaster, the citizens of Atlantis move the entirety of their amazing city to idyllic New Orleans.

After a tell-all book based on second hand accounts of his steroid use is published, an asterisk is placed in the record books next to Ken Jennings' 74-game win streak on Jeopardy.

Found guilty of corruption on an unprecedented scale and widely seen as an ineffective organization, the United Nations is replaced with the Harlem Globetrotters, who keep injustice at bay by defeating global threats with fantastic ball dribbling skills and water buckets secretly full of confetti.

In 1994, M.C. Hammer comes across a time machine and completely disappears from the public eye in a much cooler way than he did in our timeline. He travels to 1400 B.C., where even then M.C. Hammer jokes are considered old and played out.

Upon landing on the moon and encountering no space sluts, the crew of Apollo 11 report the mission a total failure and dejectedly return home. As one final act before NASA is shut down for good, a rocket is retrofitted with a gigantic nuclear warhead and sent on a collision course with the moon, destroying it and vanquishing its hidden race of subterranean space sluts.

Charles Manson's brilliant ploy of carving a cross into his forehead pays off, as it is determined that imprisoning him would "probably be a violation of that church and state thing". With a new lease on life, Manson undergoes metamorphosis and becomes a giant butterfly of unequalled beauty. He is arrested three years later for the brutal killings of three high profile senators. Manson pleads "butterfly" to the charges, which actually adds seven years to his sentence thanks to a bizarre law on the books in California.

After a giant meteor strikes the Earth and fills the air with unbreathable iridium, the dinosaurs realize that their only hope to stay alive is to fast and hold their breaths for the next 10 years. Their plan works flawlessly. During the celebration that follows, they all jump into the pool mere minutes after eating barbeque. None survive.

Instead of concocting the delicious treat between two slices of bread that we all know and love, the Earl of Sandwich creates sexual intercourse. It fails to catch on, and he is completely forgotten by time.

A completely functional and safe flying car is designed and mass produced in 1993. Unfortunately, flying roads are not invented for another 30 years and the project is an utter failure.

During the first Olympic games the only event is the slam dunk competition. As is to be expected, the Japanese bobsled team wins the gold medal handily.

Apple Computers is founded in 1976 by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne. It is shut down by the authorities within months after dozens of customers are hospitalized from consuming jagged chunks of circuitry and wires. Seven months later, Orange Computers is founded and becomes an overnight success thanks to their much more appetizing mixture of circuitry and citrus.

The largest ship of its time, the Titanic, sets sail from the southern shores of England and into disaster. Several passengers complain of filet mignon that has been overcooked, and one unfortunate man has to wait over ten minutes to ride on a pony.

William Shakespeare reveals that he doesn't understand half the crazy shit he has written, then eats a pastry. The specific type of pastry is unimportant, it is only necessary that you know it is a pastry.

Namco's new arcade game about a circular yellow character who avoids ghosts while eating power pellets has a project title of Puck Man. At the last minute one executive realizes that vandals could simply change one letter on the game's cabinet to spell something vulgar, so Puck Man is renamed. The following month, Puck Guy debuts in arcades worldwide.

They say that those who don't remember history that didn't happen are doomed to not repeat it. If that's true, I'm not really sure whether it's in your best interest to have read today's update or to not have read it in the future.

Dinosaur Hunt

This picture was taken in September 1996 (credit for the photographers on the bottom of the jpeg) during a dinosaur hunt in Bromley, a suburb of London. The man in the picture was armed with a .454 Casull revolver (extremely powerful) which was entirely necessary for taking down big game of this size. One has to be careful to achieve a first shot kill, as there is nothing more dangerous than a wounded Dinosaur.

Bromley offers very good Dinosaur hunting for the afficionado, but cannot be recommended for the novice as there is plenty of prehistoric rainforest cover for the wee beasties and they can be difficult to spot at a distance of more than three or four yards.

 

---

Shark Mayhem!

This photo was taken on 12th August 1999 on the Great Barrier Reef, Australia, and documents the one and only time in history that an angler has caught a shark that looked exactly like himself, only in a crash hat. As you can see, this man was most pleased with the catch, and had him for my tea. The shark was less amused, and was in fact down right obnoxious until he died, insulting the mans family and claiming that his mates would eat him in the bath.

This shark had been caught countless times before (he was not very bright) but the combination of the crash hat, making him very hard to batter unconscious, and his constant stream of verbal abuse, meant that he had always previously been thrown back.

 

---

Squirrel Shoot

Squirrel shooting is a very popular sport, but any prospective squirrel shooter must be aware of the dangers.

Firstly: NEVER GO OUT HUNTING SQUIRRELS ALONE. Squirrels are very aggressive beasts, and many a sportsman has been gored by a charging squirrel, so fire support from friends is a necessity. Also, remember to have some serious firepower with you- to take a squirrel down safely, you will need at least a sustained burst from a Light Machine Gun.

The picture below is from a squirrel shoot conducted in October 1989 on the plains of the Serengeti, and shows a perfect example of a properly outfitted safari group.

Remember: SAFETY FIRST.

NB- Notice that this Bull Squirrel has taken a full magazine of military grade Full Metal Jacket rounds and is still nonchalantly smoking a cigar.

 

---

The Roadkill And Kelp Spotters Association

This organisation is dedicated to the pursuage of the fine and noble hobbies of Kelp and Roadkill spotting. Truly, there can be few more relaxing and cultured ways of spending a quiet Sunday afternoon than cruising around the rugged coastal roads of your local rural area, notebook and camera in hand and with a hot thermos of sugary tea, looking for new and interesting dead wildlife and kelp.

Equipment you will need:

No dedicated roadkill enthusiast will leave home on any road journey without a few of the basic tools of the trade.

To get started, you will not have to splash out a fortune on high-tech equipment. A beginners pack will typically contain only a few simple items:

1: Camera.

You will always need to photograph any roadkill or kelp you come across before taking any other action. There is no better way of spending Saturday night than at your local association clubhouse, looking over your fellows' albums of roadkill and kelp, and proudly displaying your own trophies. I find it a wonderfully rewarding way of entertaining my young grand-children as well- the glowing smiles appearing on their angelic little faces as they flick thriough my album of flattened creatures and rotting aquatic weeds brings a warm glow to my heart almost as enjoyable as a good swig of meths.

2: Notebook

Half the fun of the game is to record the statistical details of your finds for future reference. To get the most out of this aspect of the sport, you will need....

3: Micrometer

There is always a good deal of friendly competition among enthusiasts to see who has been able to turn up the flattest creature, or the thickest piece of kelp. You should always take an accurate reading of the thickness of a corpse at the thinnest part, and kelp at the thickest. Please do not submit to the temptation to tell "fisherman's tales" of wafer-thin fox cadavers, though, as this is extremely unsportsmanlike, against the spirit of the game, and will attract an awful lot of hostility from fellow roadkill/seaweed buffs if you are caught out.

4: Wildlife guide

While it is easy to tell kelp from other plant-species, such as Oak trees, there can be certain problems identifying the corpses of wild animals, particularly if they have been repeatedly run over by heavy goods vehicles. You should always make as accurate as possible an identification, as most clubs will offer a prize for the rarest species found squashed into the tarmac every month. I can't describe in mere words the feeling of excitement and adrenaline I felt the day I found the mangled corpse of a wild panda cub splatted like a pancake near the Welsh coast. Wonderful.

5: Thermos flask of hot, sweet tea

Remember, it can get cold and windy by the coast in winter, and that is where you will want to be if you are to find any kelp. Always take a thermos flask filled with a hot sweet beverage with you to keep you warm, and decorate it, according to tradition, with the crest of your local Roadkill and Kelp Spotters Association branch.

---

OK- this is more advanced roadkill fun for the experienced spotter.

I must have heard the old gripe a million times from novices to the game:

"Roadkill spotting is really great fun, but I get so frustrated that I can't INTERACT with it. I would so love a chance to make my own"

Well, once you've served out a probationary period with your local Association, the old timer will let you in on a few tricks of the trade.

Every Association operates regular Roadkill Arts and Crafts evenings, where you will get a chance to have some real hands-on fun making your own road-kill! What a topping jape!

Usually held on a Saturday evening, these events are the highlight of my, and every other devoted Roadkill enthusiast's, hectic social calendar. All you will need to participate is a motor vehicle- the larger the better. Most of the members at my local Association drive Volvo Estates.

Every member of the club goes out with a certified umpire for a period of one hour, during which time they will be marked on all roadkill they manage to make, according to the marking scheme first devised by Mr Seth Tranny, of London:

One point for a left hand wheel splat

Two points for a four-wheel skull crunch

Five points for a passenger "Slam Open" door kill

Six points for a reverse and grind wheel spin

Bonus points will be awarded for artistic impression, at the discretion of the umpire.

More advanced leagues include in their marking system points for thinness of corpse, and size of animal, ranging from 1 point for a small mammal, through five points for a wallaby, to 10 points for dangerous big game.

Any kelp spotted on route will attract additional points.

You will usually find the league tables in any given season (which runs January-December) published in your local Badger Baiter Bi-Weekly, Mammal Maiming Monthly, or Otter Twotter. Prizes are awarded to the winning club and individual at season's end- usually a medal fashioned from a flat roadkill shrew on a ribbon. These will take pride of place in the trophy cabinet of any self-respecting roadkill buff.

This is the game where you take the title of a song, and add "IN MY PANTS" to the end of it. Here are some decent ones (in my opinion) oh and feel free to add your others:   Queer IN MY PANTS (Garbage) A Man IN MY PANTS (Alanis Morissette) Clint Eastwood IN MY PANTS (Gorillaz) Iodine IN MY PANTS (Siobhan Donaghy) Stay IN MY PANTS (Shakespear's Sister) Trapped In A Box IN MY PANTS (No Doubt) Walking On Broken Glass IN MY PANTS (Annie Lennox) Army Of Lovers IN MY PANTS (Lee Ryan) Joining You IN MY PANTS (Alanis Morissette) Mandy IN MY PANTS (Barry Manilow) One Week IN MY PANTS (Barenaked Ladies) Girls Just Want To Have Fun IN MY PANTS (Cyndi Lauper) (Keep Feeling) Fascination IN MY PANTS (Human League) Japanese Boy IN MY PANTS (Aneka) No Scrubs IN MY PANTS (TLC) Fear Of Bliss IN MY PANTS (Alanis Morissette) I Want You IN MY PANTS (Madonna) My Humps IN MY PANTS (Black Eyed Peas) Let's Get It Started IN MY PANTS (Black Eyed Peas) Work It IN MY PANTS (Missy Elliott) Parade IN MY PANTS (Garbage) Will Anything Happen IN MY PANTS (Blondie) Rich Girl IN MY PANTS (Gwen Stefani) Hollaback Girl IN MY PANTS (Gwen Stefani) Like A Virgin IN MY PANTS (Madonna) Beat It IN MY PANTS (Michael Jackson) Beg IN MY PANTS (All Saints) Darts Of Pleasure IN MY PANTS (Franz Ferdinand) Air Hostess IN MY PANTS (Busted) Crazy Frog IN MY PANTS (Axel F) Gangsta's Paradise IN MY PANTS (Coolio) Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) IN MY PANTS (Cole Porter) Harajuku Girls IN MY PANTS (Gwen Stefani) Take Your Mama IN MY PANTS (Scissor Sisters) Take Me Out IN MY PANTS (Franz Ferdinand) Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!) IN MY PANTS (Garbage) Your House IN MY PANTS (Alanis Morissette) Moonchild IN MY PANTS (Shakespear's Sister) Where Is The Love IN MY PANTS (Black Eyed Peas) Sympathetic Character IN MY PANTS (Alanis Morissette)   Other Peoples Suzanne IN MY PANTS (Lenoard Cohen) Dirty Harry IN MY PANTS (Gorillaz) It Might Be Wrong IN MY PANTS (Radiohead) Blow Me Away IN MY PANTS (Lisa Abott) Puke IN MY PANTS (Eminem) Big Weenie IN MY PANTS (Eminem) Caught Up IN MY PANTS (Usher) American Idiot IN MY PANTS (Greenday) I Predict A Riot IN MY PANTS (Kaiser Chiefs) Rumours IN MY PANTS (Lindsay Lohan) Girl Can Rock IN MY PANTS (Hilary Duff)

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

 

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

 

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. 

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.